No, not the doll. The girl. Woman. Whatever. (I did have one of those dolls, though. Did you? My copy-me-always little sister had one too, so the "suspension of disbelief" that is necessary to think that your doll is unique just wasn't there for me.) Anyway, I think she's really funny. She posts to her Livejournal a couple times a day and she cracks me up all the time. She writes with this wacky, stream of consciousness kinda style that makes me laugh so much. Since I have no knitting or mouse news to report today, I thought I'd share a little of her special view of life. These are some of my favorite snippets from the last few months:
I was cleaning out the cabinets yesterday for my corelle dishes. I'm going to use them as our main dishes & put the fiesta dishes away for special occasions. I collect seamist green fiesta ware & my color has been discontinued. I may start mixing it up, but for now they'll live in the cabinet that no one can reach w/out standing on a chair. And who wants to do that? Anyway, I was pulling food out of the cabinet that I'm going to put the corelle dishes in & I grabbed a bag of popcorn kernels. No wait, make that an open bag of popcorn kernels. The bag tilted & I spilled popcorn kernels everywhere. EVERYWHERE!! They're inside the rice cooker. In the motor. I cant use that anymore. Turn it on & popcorn will start popping & then start a fire. My kitchen will burn & I'll burn right along with it. The husband will manage to get out w/the babies, but he'll be too depressed to take care of them. Plus, he'll be homeless. The babies will end up in a shelter & get adopted by someone w/creepy kids that will be mean to them. Its all so awful! All because someone couldn't be bothered to use a motherfucking twistix!! Or maybe I'll just slip on a stray kernel & break a bone. Then I'll miss work & we'll all starve. Sigh. There's just no happy ending here.
I need a shelf in the kitchen for my cook books. I was keeping them on the bar but the bookends aren't strong enough & the books keep falling over & almost breaking dishes. Side note: my bookends are these awesome little green marble ti ki guys. I got them at an estate sale for like $8. They're the only bookends I've found that I like but they are not doing the job. Anyway, back to my complaining. I've got all my cookbooks stacked into piles on the bar stools & I know they are going to fall all over the floor & get ruined. I collect old cookbooks & I just dont know how well they'll stand up to a 3 foot drop. Or how ever tall the bar stools are. I can never tell how big anything is. God help me if I get robbed. I'll be trying to identify the bad guy & give the cops all terrible information. Then the guy will start stalking me & break into my house & kill me. Except that he wont really have to break in, he'll just use the keys that he got when he grabbed my purse. All of a sudden I'm just another south side statistic. But I digress. My cookbooks need a nice shelf to live on. I want a shelf that I can hang on the wall because a bookshelf just wont work. A. I have no room for a book shelf in the kitchen & B. cookbooks come in all crazy sizes. Some are enormous coffee table book sized & others would fit in the back pocket of your jeans. I have a number of binders too. Better Homes & Gardens loves to put out binders that wont fit anywhere on any book shelf ever made. Sucks.
OMG! I cant believe I forgot to tell you guys! I saw a satanist at the grocery store!! It was on Friday. He came in while I was in line. He was probably 50 or 60 or so. He was wearing a long black robe, a black button up, a black jacket, black pants, black shoes, & a really creepy cross around his neck. Not a normal cross or crucifix, it was different. It almost looked like an iron cross, but it wasn't. He also had a ponytail & a goatee. Totally a satanist. I wonder what he bought? What would creepy satanist dudes eat? Plums, steaks, crusty loaves of bread, wine, grapes, veal, lamb, duck, wild rice, & mushrooms. I like to think that he's all creepy on the outside but when he's at home he likes to eat fruity pebbles & watch Benny Hill in his pajamas.
Now I'm watching Jaws. Jaws is the scariest movie I've ever seen. *shivers* Sharks terrify me. Fish in general scare me to death, but especially sharks. Oh my god! There is no reason to ever get into a lake or an ocean. I have a deal with the sharks though, they dont start swimming down Gravois & I wont go swimming in their neighborhood. Deal? Deal! Fuckin Jaws man! "Shark in the pond! Shark in the pond!" OhmygodIcantlook! Ohgoditjustatethatdudethosethingsarefuckingreal!!! Ugh.. Ok Mandy, walk it off. Rub some dirt on it. Its just a movie. But its not just a movie! There are monsters in the water! For real prehistoric giant fucking monsters in the water! I am NOT cool with that. I think we should wipe sharks off the planet. Fuck the ecosystem. I want peace of mind.